Life has its ups and downs

I realised that I have never done an in depth post on my life upto now. Ive wanted to for a long time but always felt self conscious that things haven't gone how Id planned. But lets be honest who's life does? 

At 18 I fell in love, got engaged within a month, and was pregnant by the end of the year. Quite a statement really isn't it. But let me fill you in a little bit more. I had never really been in love before (and haven't been again FYI) and fell head over heels. It was fast yes. Do i regret any of it? Not one bit. I have never been the type of girl to rush into anything, I never went out and did the stereotypical teenage thing of going out and getting drunk, etc. I was very much and still am, a home girl, who would rather spend time with her family and close friends. But this felt right. 
To find out I was pregnant was a dream come true, at 18 yes I was young, but after being told that you may possibly not be able to conceive naturally who wouldn't be over the moon.....we were both over the moon. 
Fast forward nine months and we welcomed Blake to the world. He was and is, perfect in every way. For the next year we lived in a bubble, everything was perfect. Then I fell pregnant, and suffered a miscarriage, my world fell apart. Looking back this is where I feel I began to fall into a deep depression, did I see it? Nope, not in the slightest, can i see it now? For sure. 
I wasn't in bed crying every day, I was still up and living normally, to everyone else that is. I lived in my own little bubble, I became overly protective of Blake, and struggled to let him out of my sight. My anxiety was at an all time high. I would have full blown panic attacks at the slightest thing. 
I started to push my fiance away. I wanted to run. 
Run and hide the three of us away. But then we found out that three, was going to become four, I was pregnant. And scared crapless! We waited until our 12 week scan to tell anyone, we were so excited to find out our little girl was perfectly healthy and six months later we welcomed Faith into the world. 

My anxieties worsened along with my depression. I felt like I was watching myself live my life. I couldn't understand why i wasn't happy. I should be happy, I had a wonderful fiance and two perfect children. I was so mad at myself for not feeling happy. Now I can see it was the depression, back then I felt like i deserved none of it, I didn't deserve my children or this man who loved me. So I pushed him away again, started to cause pointless arguments. 

In the august of 2012 we finally got married. The whole day is a blur, to be honest I cannot remember much of it. Only the speeches and walking down the isle. I think my anxiety has blocked the rest from my memory, I struggled to please everyone that day, it felt more like a day for everyone else than for us. I had hoped we would take the children abroad and with our closest family get married on the beach. This upset too many people so we changed our plans. I really wish we hadn't. Our wedding day just wasn't us. 

Life was very up and down for me after the wedding. Id focused so hard on that one day. I hid it as best as I could. I didn't want my family or friends to know. I didn't even confide in my husband. I was labelled as rude at family gatherings because I wasn't seen as being sociable. That wasn't what I wanted. At all. My anxiety had gotten so incredibly bad with people I didn't know all that well that it would take all my strength just to attend, let alone mingle. 

I was too scared to go to the doctors, too scared to tell anyone. Instead I tried to carry on.
This in my eyes cost me my marriage. I turned into someone I was not proud of at all. I was grumpy, and a shell of who I really was. I could go from being incredibly happy to balling my eyes out in a second. I wasnt fun to be around. 

There was a couple of other details on my husbands side that I wont go into. 
But after one huge row two years after we got married he left, when he returned he told me it was over, and that he had already discussed moving back with his parents previously, I was devastated. Blamed him for everything. When in fact it was both of our faults. 

I had a break down a few weeks later, I was trying to get the kids ready for nursery one morning and collapsed. I was lucky i had family close by. 

Signing those divorce papers was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But i got through it. I had no choice, I have two children who need me. 

The children see their dad and his girlfriend every two weeks. Its a hard situation.

I have dated one guy since our divorce, it wasn't right. It made me realise alot.

So currently we are living with my parents. Me and the children share a room. I am hoping within the next year I will have saved enough to get us a small place of our own. I am working as much as my body will allow. I also suffer with Fibromyalgia and hypermobility syndrome. So working is tough. But after all this I have realised a few things.

I am alot stronger than I ever thought I could be.

Mental health issues is nothing to be ashamed of, dont keep it to yourself.

Everyone loves a good bargain

The high street shops have been full of bargains lately, so I thought I would share some of the ones I have managed to pick up.

Clinton Cards have a range of stationary, fathers day gifts and greeting cards on 50% off or more.

I have been hunting for cute home ware accessories for when I move into my new home, I found these gorgeous little fridge magnets on sale for £1.50.

I love using greeting cards for home decor and they are also perfect for flat lays. All of these were just 99p each. Down from £2 or £3 each.

I usually pop into Superdrug whenever I am in town, so when I spotted these Zoella goodies at just £2.50 I couldnt resist. These are going to be packed away for my new bathroom.

Some of the best bargains you can find are in supermarkets, and I managed to find these Batiste dry shampoos on clearance for just 50p each!

Anxiety - Its a disorder not a decision

Why do you feel that way?
Why are you anxious?
You are being silly
Stop worrying

The list carries on. I have had all of those said to me, and much more. For people to believe I can just turn my anxiety off once they have told me to 'Stop Worrying' is just beyond me. I didn't chose to live with anxiety, its a disorder not a decision.
My anxiety got worse once I had my children. I have woken up in the middle of the night and burst into tears over fears of something happening to either of them. I have always been anxious in new situations, to the point I would constantly cancel plans or change my mind because I had days I felt stronger than others. In the past I've been labelled rude for not being chatty or seeming sociable at family gatherings. So I stopped attending most for fear of being called that.

Mental health is not easy, please don't judge what you do not understand. Its not something I want or enjoy. Understanding, patience and support is the best 'medicines' you can give.

The 'black peel of face mask' trend

Its been all over social media.

I have seen so many red faced after pictures that I decided to give it a go myself and see what all the fuss was about. To be honest, I wish I hadnt! Does it work? Sort of, it did remove some impurities and black heads, but mostly its a painful waxing mask, it sure does remove any fussy facial hairs you may have. But is it worth it? I don't think so no. Its definitely not one I shall be repurchasing anyways. 

Truthful post about mummy bullying

What is it with mums bullying other mums?
Our job as a mummy is by far the toughest job out there, so why aren't we supporting each other? Instead we criticize and pass judgement on other mums. There is no manual for our job, we learn as we go, and yes we make mistakes, and that is okay. 
We learn by making mistakes, by putting the nappy on back to front, by forgetting how many scoops of formula we've put in so far so we have to start again, by being too tired to wash up the bottles before bed so when the baby wakes up screaming at two am its a mad dash to quickly wash and sterilise them before baby wakes the entire house hold up. 
Does any of that make us a bad mum? No, of course not, we are human and we make mistakes. That does not give anyone the right to judge you or make you feel anything other than like a bloody super hero. Because lets face it, that's what we are. Us mums are super hero's just without the cape. 
Everyone has an opinion on the right and wrong way to parent, but lets be truthful, it is just that, an opinion. And that is also okay, we can have differences in opinions. 

Goof Proof Brow Pencil

Eyebrows! My least favorite part of my makeup routine. I've tried powders, creams and liners and have never managed to feel overly confident that I am doing it right. So recently whilst on a shopping trip to Milton Keynes I decided to pop into boots and ask for tips from the Benefit ladies. Luckily it wasn't overly busy and the gorgeous assistant asked if I'd like her to show me how the Goof Proof liner would look on me. Oh my goodness. My brows were perfection by the time she had finished. Perfect coverage with a nice price tag! 

So yesterday I decided to have a go with the liner myself, I was so impressed with how easy the liner glided over my brows, I was able to build the coverage without them looking too fake. 
This product will be staying in my makeup bag as one of my firm favourites. 
Well done Benefit! 

5 top do's and don't for cleaning your makeup brushes

Cleaning our makeup brushes can be a task we tend to forget about. So I am going to give you my top 5 do's and don'ts when it comes to getting the job done.

1. Invest in a makeup cleaner pad, not only does it give your makeup brushes a deeper clean because of the grooves, but also it makes it a far quicker job.

2. Don't use boiling hot water, it can soak into the bristles and loosen the glue, resulting in the brush falling apart.

3. Use a face wash or baby shampoo as to wash them in. I've heard some people use washing up liquid, but as I have a sensitive face this is something I would never recommend because if any of the liquid is left on the brush it can cause your face to breakout.

4. As your brushes will need a while to dry, use the excuse to embrace a makeup free day, give yourself a facial or face mask.

5. Use a cup or pen holder to dry your brushes upright if you usually store your brushes in a draw.